Nabila

Did I ever imagine that I would be typing this as a 23-year-old when I started this blog? Like most other people, no, I didn't. I started writing and posting online when I was 11 (too young, I know!!!) so 23 used to sound so far away from me. I started writing this 2 hours and 32 minutes before I officially turn 23 so I don't actually know how my birthday is going to be. Hypothesis: I'm gonna spend another normal day at work, with possible birthday wishes from my beloved family and friends, and go home to eat the cake I just bought. Update: Another normal day at work, except my department colleague decided to announce to everyone about my birthday by wishing me in our 100+ people WhatsApp group. It was a good birth-month though. So many good wishes and gifts from my friends, which made me feel loved.

The last similar post to this that I wrote was my 17 Lessons by 17 birthday post in 2018, written way before I started uni, and right before I lost my grandfather. I wanted to say that the person who wrote that seems like a totally different person than the person who's writing this post right now... but that doesn't ring true anymore. I'm just a slightly evolved version of her, she's still living somewhere inside me and somehow, it feels good to know that. It feels good to know that I didn't lose myself all the way through when I lost it. 

So these are another 23 lessons I've learned, over the past few years since then:

Seriously don't. It's not worth it. I lost my favourite hijab to this (I'm still using it but the awning is forever damaged RIP).

Certain things can be put into perspective once said out loud. These might be the things you keep repeating over and over and over again in your head making things heavy but once said out loud, they feel lighter and some things might even sound ridiculous to even ponder about.

If they like you back, good for you! If you're rejected, you'll get a closure! Confessing, personally, really built my courage and confidence to get to know people (I got rejected but he was a good man). And in reference to point number 2, sometimes saying things out loud puts things into perspective. You might realize how ready you actually are for an actual relationship once you say your feelings out loud.

I gained so much weight in a year because I consumed 3-in-1s three times a day, five days a week. And then boom! COVID happened and I gained more weight! I lost the weight when I got sick in 2022 but it was such a painful and annoying experience I never wish to go through again so no more 3-in-1s for me.

People evolve. Writings evolve! The Mortal Instruments wasn't the best series per se but The Dark Artifices? Chef's Kiss, 10/10 writing, Julian Blackthorn is one of my favourite morally grey characters. Give someone another chance, I guess, that's the point here.

I personally feel like I won't get to where I am today without my mother's prayers. There is a kind of magic imbued in her prayers, I literally experienced that magic. Strange and good coincidences that happened after her prayers, the fact that I keep getting good things when I've done nothing to ever deserve them... A mother's prayer is indeed her greatest weapon.

In fact, my favourite kind of rizq. I'm somehow always surrounded by people who mean well and are always kind to me. It's especially apparent during my uni years, my internship and even until my working era (life update: I got a job!). Always being able to see the good in people might play into factor, but so far I could just see that everyone who visits my life brought at least one good thing to me.

I used to be obsessed with rainy days because they're simply colder and you have a reason to stay in bed all day during rainy days. Right after COVID though... not anymore. Especially after the major flood occurrences over the past few years, I get worried every time it rains so heavily for a long duration. And knowing that these unexpected rainy day occurrences are because of climate change doesn't make it better.

This is something I'm still continuously learning. As the eldest child especially, I tend to feel like I need to carry everything when I have people that I can trust to carry them together. My brothers might be a bunch of headaches but they are growing to be more reliable day by day.

PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE. I actually need to hear this more as a kid but eh, it's not too late to learn. I used to hate even letting people carry my stuff because I felt like I was being a burden by being slightly dependent even for a few minutes. Once I started allowing myself to be a bit more dependent and accepting that I actually needed it to survive, things felt lighter. Once I accept that there are ears that will listen, shoulders that I can cry on, and hugs I can get for warmth, life feels a bit more liveable.

Put some body soap on the stain and just brush until it's clean THEN only you can let water on it. As a messy and careless person, this tip is a godsend. And why did I only learn this in 2022?! This could save a lot of my clothes.

Don't rush things, the things that are meant for you will find their way to you. Meanwhile, focus on the now, no matter how still you think it is. I assure you, there's still something you can learn amid the stillness. It's okay to not have your life going "go go go" all the time.

I didn't get to graduate first class and for a while, I thought I was such a failure for not being able to graduate first class. And sure, HR might want to find people with higher CGPA but at the end of the day, in working life, I found that what matters more is your willingness to learn and grow.

I don't really remember where I found this quote but it has been one of my favourite quotes for almost a year now. Remembering that I'm very young and still learning how to live makes me breathe more easily. You're just starting out, you can't accomplish a lot of things in such a short time. The most important thing is to learn as much as you can.

There's no use wallowing in self-doubt over every decision that you have made. You made those decisions because Allah moved your heart to do so. What you can do now is try your best in everything and whatever the result is, trust that it's all in Allah's plan and that He has something good in store for you. Every road you have gone and are currently going through is leading you towards something greater.

Especially during this raging genocide against Palestine, I found myself detaching more and more from the worldly stuff I used to love. Musicians, films, stories, and products contribute to the oppressors' side; at first, it was hard to fully break away but these days it's becoming easier. 

It's still hard for me to DNF a book, which is why I created an 'On-Hold' shelf on my Goodreads page, for books I think I want to come back to when the right time has come. However, learning to DNF books has really helped in making my reading experience much more enjoyable.

In fact, mistakes are necessary for us to grow. Don't be scared to do things just because you're afraid you'll make mistakes. A person doesn't become an expert in something in a day. Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way. Just try not to make ones you can't take back.

As a pau lover, this is how I measure how good a pau is (besides the amount of filling). This kind of pau is usually achieved by a tremendous amount of kneading, which is very laborious.

As someone with anxiety, it is very easy to doubt everyone's affection for me and hyper-fixate on slight gestures like late or short text replies, short time together, etc. I'm lucky that everyone's action always proves that I am very loved even though I never actually voice my ridiculous anxious thoughts to them. 

Today's post is going to be a bit more personal but I just feel the need to write it down while the realization and the feeling are still fresh, and if you are reading this, it means that I also find it shareable.

It has been about three weeks since I started as a substitute teacher at my old school. This school also happens to be two minutes away from my home, I live at teachers' quarters because my mother is a teacher here. So basically, this area has been my home for over 20 years; I lived here since 2002. Being a substitute teacher here is convenient, not just because it's literally my home but also because I've known the people in this school for my whole life. It should feel homey, it should feel comfortable, isn't it?

Not for me. I don't thrive in familiarity. To be honest, being cooped up in the same place over and over again makes me feel sort of claustrophobic. As much as I love this place, I feel more at home a hundred kilometres away, which doesn't make sense even to me.

So if you ask me how it feels being a substitute teacher at my old school, I'll say it feels weird, it's over-comfortable that it becomes the opposite of it, and I can't wait to finish, at least until like an hour ago.

Being here again also means I'm having a similar routine as the students, exposed to a similar environment, only from a different point of view, but a similar experience all the same. I forgot to mention that this is a religious secondary school (SMKA). And I haven't been having this kind of routine since 2017, so when I started having it again, everything came rushing back to me. 

First came nostalgia. As I observed and interacted with these kids, I realized how naive I was back then, and how I was also one of these kids just six years ago. And I both hate and love nostalgia. While it brings a certain kind of sweetness; reminiscing about my teen years, it also brings a certain kind of sadness; thinking about how far I am from my friends as well as my past selves. 

After a few weeks, I'm starting to feel a certain kind of pull that I only just now recognized. 6 years away from this place has somehow diluted the values that have been imbued in my soul and I realized that these values have slowly come back to me. While I have grown apart from my roots for the past few years, and apart from Him for the past couple of months, being in this place again is His way of pulling me back to Him and the version of me that I so very love.

This realization also brings another kind of realization; that just because you don't want to do something, or be somewhere, it doesn't mean that they don't bring good to you. And while I wasn't being pessimistic at all about being here again, I wasn't expecting this kind of goodness. And I'm grateful, oh so grateful for this, Alhamdulillah. A certain Quranic verse came to mind as I was writing this:

Now, all Quranic verses have many different interpretations, and every person might relate to every verse differently at different points in their lives. For now, I just think that despite how weird, uncomfortable or hard it is being here, there is goodness that I gain from it. And for that, I'm grateful, Alhamdulillah. And I wish and pray for people that are reading this to also be able to see the goodness in every hardship you experience, May Allah ease everything for us all, aamiin.

Home is breathing in the salt air as I watch the sun sets.
Home is having a song on my mind as I place my capo on my guitar fret.

Home is finding myself wandering around the mall I know so well, that I can walk in blindly.

Home is longing, longing, longing for hugs from my loved ones, missing them from afar.

Home is inevitably liking someone on a whim, like leaves falling from their home branch.

Home is falling in love with loving someone.

Home is jotting phrases down when I'm bestowed with inspiration among a sea of strangers.

Home is creating 147 playlists, dedicated to random things, points in life and people.

Home is me, me, me.

So if there's one thing I hope I never lose again: it's myself.

It's truly a privilege, a form of rizq, to find joy, find homes in cities or places my blood doesn't run in. How privileged I am to find my way home again and again after losing myself, losing my meaning of home as many times as I had; how hellish the process of finding it again. I'm shaking as I write this due to the fear of repeating the same thing, of losing myself again. But I'm writing this down here, in case I can't find my way home again.

You find home in finding yourself. You find joy in gratitude over the tiniest beautiful things God lets you experience, and in these little joys exist little homes, little sanctuaries you can shelter yourself. Home is your mom and your dad and your brothers. Home is your best friends, wherever they are. But most of all, home is wherever, whoever, whatever you put your joys in, and if you find them in even the tiniest of things, you will feel at home in more places. Home will be everywhere if you are willing to look a little closer. Home is wherever love exists and because He is in everything, love exists even in places you would never thought to look in. Home is many many things and most of all, home is you.

There's something sad about this
that I can't quite put into words.

Like I'm de-attaching something

after being attached to it,

Like leaving

after deciding that I want to stay,

But I also don't want to be stuck 

to the same old place.

Every action of mine

contradicts my decisions,

And these days,

I'm starting to be repulsed by my own reflection.

Time is doing its job,

And I don't think I like it this time.

There's something maddening about this

that I can't quite put into words.

230621/mungkin takut perubahan - lomba sihir

---

I wrote it about a month before the end of my internship. I panicked and got emotional because something so good was ending. This one is slightly unfinished, and a bit of a mess. I don't know how to finish and edit it, and that's okay.

I know I said I wanted to be consistently updating this blog since last year, but life had just been hectic (when is it not?). A lot has happened since my last life update. My last post was a poem and I can't even relate to it anymore LOL. The person that is writing this post is a totally different person than the person who wrote that poem.

It feels a bit surreal writing this. I can't believe I went from writing about my day-to-day life as an 11-year-old to writing about me finishing my degree. What would that little girl think about me? I'm gonna be honest here, I am lost, confused, terrified and excited at the same time. Mostly terrified. Now that I'm out of the education cocoon, I should be free to fly anywhere I want but what if I don't know where that is? What if once I figure out where I want to be, I can't get there? (Obviously talking about the misery of job search guys).

Adulting feels weird. Part of me still feels like I'm a child; like I should always be supervised so that I won't do something that'll hurt me. But at the same time, I have these things I need to carry and do on my own, and figure out how to do them. It's like I'm being pushed into a room when I still have things in the other one, and now I can't get them anymore. It's scary to be here. Will I ever get used to it? Will I figure this out? And the one question that haunts me even in my sleep is, will I ever get a job? (the struggle is real guys, the competition is really something else).

So that's where I am, currently. TLDR; since the last life update (which was April last year holy cow), I started my final year project, finished it, finished semester 6 & 7 with flying colours, started my internship at the Department of Environment (which was super fun and precious to me), finished my internship and my final semester and I'm currently hunting for a job AND waiting for my graduation (which will be on November or December).